THATS CRACKING & JAFFA CAKES
THATS CRACKING
You know when you have an idea but you're completely unsure of its direction, mixed with uncertainty about how to accomplish it, so instead of sitting down, whipping out paper and a pen, and mapping out a logical approach, you just dive in and work it out as it occurs. Everything is based on a previous mistake that you're trying to overcorrect so the design sort of works. I don’t really know how planes function, but in my mind, if one wing were too small or I accidentally cut the wrong part, I could just overcorrect the other side and it would balance out. I know that’s not actually how it works.
The way this story starts is rather unpredictable.
But first, let me state the rules of the egg drop. There weren’t any except that the egg couldn’t be boiled. Some of my first ideas were pretty extreme. The only reason I didn’t go with them was because it’s not very imaginative to just buy an umbrella and attach an egg to it. My logic behind this one: if I jumped off a second-story balcony with an umbrella, it probably wouldn’t reduce the speed of my impact, it’d be rather useless. However, I weigh slightly more than an egg, so it should be fine... right? Or maybe I’d just buy a kite and a basket to carry the egg safely to the ground. There are lots of things you can do, some of the entries were oddly unique but somehow worked.
When I need to think of an idea, I always go on a walk. I think a clear mind produces the best ideas. In fact, my great egg drop concept began with bin diving. Not as glamorous as it sounds. Whenever someone says “bin diving,” I imagine it was once an Olympic sport where contestants would dive into bins and swim around until they found a certain piece of trash. Maybe it lasted until humans discovered water and realized you could fill a tub and use it as a pool. Sadly, this was nothing like that. The prize wasn’t a day-old sandwich or a half-eaten apple, it was two pieces of bamboo. A light flickered in my brain: attach the sticks in a cross shape. Not for religious reasons, but for aeronautical ones. The idea was set, and the method started putting itself together.
Then came the realization. Being in the middle of some islands, there’s a distinct lack of scissors. I probably could’ve found a shop selling some, but in my brain there was no time. So I did what any sane person would do, I think, I got the largest, sharpest knife physically possible. I didn’t plan to cut the cardboard like a potato, I wanted to use it like a scalpel. So there I was, holding a knife like a pencil, trying to slice cardboard without scarring the table underneath. It was tense. I made the main cuts with the knife, then used my hands to sculpt the stubborn piece of cardboard. It felt like trying to sculpt stone into a statue of Jesus without any tools. You know it won’t work, but if you keep smashing the rocks together, eventually you’ll get something different from what you started.
Now for the adhesives. I had rope to tie the bamboo together for reliability, and superglue to attach the bamboo to the cardboard wings. Surprise: glue sticks really hard. It reached the point where I opened a new tube and accidentally cut into it. I proceeded to superglue a few fingers together. Instead of backing down and saving my hands from an eternity of waving, I pressed on. I kept unsticking and resticking my fingers together. By that point, I knew most of the glue was now part of me. So I resorted to rope, tying everything together, hoping my experiences in Scouts might come in handy.
The creation was finished. A full-on glider with two sets of wings and an undercarriage that resonated with the elegance of an Emirates first-class seat. My enormous beauty was finally ready for its travels. The only issue, it was quite top-heavy, not ideal for an egg drop.
Some of my competitors had rather intense designs. One I didn’t think would work involved a Pringles can attached to a plastic bag. The egg sat inside with the Pringles, which ended up breaking and absorbing most of the impact. The bag didn’t get much inflation, but it wasn’t really needed. Somehow, the crumble technology worked, like a tribute to Apollo 14.
F**KING JAFFA Cakes
Storage and Dipping
Well I think they are biscuits and I can explain why. Where are Jaffa Cakes kept? In the biscuit tin. Do you dip cake in tea? No. Do you dip biscuits in tea? Of course you do. Do you dip Jaffa Cakes in tea? No you shouldn’t. Tea goes with cake not combined.
Literal Names
Then coming to the literal meaning, yes it is Jaffa CAKE but that does not mean it is a cake. You have Rich Teas they are not small cups of expensive tea. You have Jammy Dodgers they are not sticky bumper cars. You have Rockys but they are not small bits of Sylvester Stallone. A macaron is not the French president’s wife. A HobNob I don’t need to explain.