Airport kerfuffle
A Delay
Starting in the middle of the story, for reasons I haven’t thought about yet. The pilot leaves the flight, not once but twice, and no one tells us why. Apparently, the best course of action is to keep everyone in the dark. Honestly, it’s what I’d do if I were the pilot, but as a passenger? It’s just odd.
Which brings me to an important question: would you rather know if the plane’s about to crash, or just assume the pilot’s feeling a bit woozy? Either way, if it’s my time, I’m good to go. There’s no other option. Can’t use a parachute, and I doubt my 20p WHSmith carrier bag will save me, even if it is extra sturdy.
Speaking of planes, those safety instructions? Absolute nonsense. Too many diagrams, too many hand gestures, not enough time to care. And what a bunch of arseholes. A plane with no suspension, is it really better than a washing machine? At least the spin cycle doesn’t pretend it’s smooth.
Now, the whiskey taste test was solid. But duty free would be infinitely more useful if it stocked practical items, like a parachute. I’m currently writing this while we’re still grounded, a 50-minute delay, and I am boiling alive. ’Tis miserable. There are also things I do not need on a flight. A hairdryer, for example. Who is using a hairdryer mid-air? The kind of person who packs a hairdryer isn’t flying from Gatwick. And the perfume-to-passenger ratio at airports? Ridiculous. I use standard deodorant, I drink whatever’s available, yet here I am, surrounded by twelve versions of Calvin Klein, none of which I can identify.
And oh, the lights. If you’re flying, make sure they work, and don’t flash. If I had epilepsy, I’d be suing the plane. Sorry, bit insensitive. Blame the aircraft, not the panicked customer.
But really, why is flying so terrifying? What is it about this experience that makes your brain scream, “FUCKING HELL, I’M GOING TO DIE”? Flying is normal. It’s science. But it hasn’t been marketed well. Planes face so many problems, and no one’s out here doing PR for gravity or Bernoulli’s principle. So how would you market flying? Make it glamorous again? Sell the thrill? Explain the aerodynamics in plain English? Because right now, I’m somewhere between existential enlightenment and sweat-soaked dread.