Skin to the Wind
Lost weight at Christmas, flew down a staircase
Introduction
Christmas is the time of year when you get to stuff your face with as much food as possible, full of dry turkey and chocolate, ideally not together, however I’ll leave that choice up to you. It’s also the time to let that belt go, feel free to do no exercise and gain some weight. This was my plan.
I entered the games with an appetite, and I think I ate more than normal, a lot more than normal. I then proceeded to stuff more food into me during that weird period between Christmas and New Year’s. Now you may be wondering why this is relevant, as Christmas is in the rear-view mirror and I’ve missed the boat for Christmas content, but I’ve learnt that backstory helps explain moments of pure shitness.
By the end of Christmas, I felt I had gained a substantial amount of weight.
The surprise came on the 5th of January, when I put my trousers on to go to work, and they didn’t fit. I had lost fucking weight, and my trousers no longer fitted me. WTFFF. I don’t believe it. I spent the entire day focusing on my trousers, trying to keep them from falling off.
Suspenders
Why did suspenders go out of fashion? They were superior to belts, allowing anyone to look sophisticated at all times, and their main job of keeping trousers up was incredible. The belt came along and became the new norm, but more of an inconvenience. At least suspenders stayed loyal; they didn’t care how much weight you gained or lost, they were still there to support you, unlike belts, which just give in if you’re too large or too small. I don’t think I’ll ever be too large for any belt, but I can dream.
Anyway, I was fiddling with my jeans constantly, trying to keep them from dropping. I had developed this theory: if I sat down, they would never fall over. I hear you saying, “well obviously,” but you’d be surprised how stupid I can be. I made sure I sat at my desk all day, and every time I needed the loo, I would put my hands in my pockets and hold my legs, so I’d have a backup measure just in case. I should have just found a staple gun or some tape and made some DIY suspenders.
All day, I was in this mindset. However, I then went out for drinks with some work colleagues, and I didn’t drink too much. I had one pint, and then a pint, followed by another pint. My theory had left my head by this point, and as I was on the way to the tube, I reached the top of the stairs. I started my descent, and I remember it so vividly. I was listening to TNT by ACDC, obviously, I removed my hands from my pockets and started air-drumming. I made it down 75% of this staircase when I felt a breeze. The trousers had dropped, which then lassoed my legs together and sent me into a Superman. Remember, I walk down stairs with speed. I went flying. Luckily, as my hands were free, I could brace for impact, but I’ve never been in that sort of situation — lying face down on the ground, trousers around my ankles, and no one to help me up.